music : balance and composure - kaleidoscope : split w/ tigers jaw (2010)
i think the hardest feeling of this process is being caged within the borders of a place i have hated since childhood. legally i cannot leave the tri-county area without the permission of not only my counselor, but my probation officer AND a judge. i have spent the last 4 years traveling at will, hopping into my car at the drop of a hat and costing down america’s intricate highway system, being more at home filling up my gas tank than filling my stomach from my fridge. more comfortable with my thumb and forefinger wrapped around the bottom of my steering wheel, full records playing start to finish as the night air converges around me than lying in my own bed.
i feel like me when i am free.
i started attending overeaters anonymous, which is a lot like narcotics anonymous except, obviously, for compulsive eaters. the largest side effect of me going sober has been replacing those escapes with ones i thought i had done a good job of ridding myself of, namely humongous portions of horrendous food. i used to weight 330lbs, i got down to 180lbs and in the last 7 weeks have gotten back up to around 200lbs. that is unacceptable. i have a very hard time controlling how much i eat, and when i have decided to give in and binge, there is no stopping me. cartons of ice cream, double digit amounts of burritos, and all regurgitated back up to make room for more. i cannot physically stop.
i wonder if i should consider myself sober if i am addicted to food?
my first OA meeting had me going to a Presbyterian church, and the room was populated with about 20 people, none of whom were under the age of 30, and most of whom were over the age of 60. i felt a bit odd, but when everyone started talking i just felt like i was in a place where i knew these familiar struggles. i got the introductory information packet, and the reassurance from everyone that while 12-step programs are inherently religious, this one had the least emphasis on “god” of all of them, that made me feel better. i am going to try to go to a few a week, and i am hoping it keeps me motivated to stay at the gym, and to eat healthy portions of food.
i want to get to 160lbs, and then get toned, so i can get my ribs tattoo’d… is that so much to ask?