February 2012
3 posts
the truth
i over exert myself, or maybe i just get too excited on things. i make up my mind, rush into something, and a few months later get bored and move on to my next hair brained idea. i do have good follow through on certain things, but those tend to be the more major projects in my life. the smaller ones, like blogs, zines, recordings, etc. fall by the wayside. like this one.
the turth is that i am...
1 tag
Day 108: a brief, yet triumphant, update
Helms Alee: 8 / 16 : Weatherhead (2011)
i have not abandoned this, i have simply chosen not to repeat myself, which is all that would happen if i frequented tumblr. truthfully, i have found much solace off of the computer. facebook gone, internet persona completely diminished, this is my last vestige of expression on the world wide web, and i am comfortable just using it when i need to....
every time i think of Black Flag, the only image i get in my head is of the band the title character put together in the old cartoon Doug.
January 2012
3 posts
4 tags
Day 83: my best girl
music : lucero - slow dancing : tennessee (2002)
i keep going down to the office-room that was built into my garage before we moved into this house over a decade ago. i plug in my pedal board, which i spent painstaking hours working on, acquiring the right pieces to get the exact sound i wanted. i roll my quite large speaker cabinet and quite powerful amplifier into the centre of the...
6 tags
Day 81: tattoos, freedom, and 12 huge steps.
music : balance and composure - kaleidoscope : split w/ tigers jaw (2010)
i think the hardest feeling of this process is being caged within the borders of a place i have hated since childhood. legally i cannot leave the tri-county area without the permission of not only my counselor, but my probation officer AND a judge. i have spent the last 4 years traveling at will, hopping into my...
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Day 71: you taught me how to play the part
music : the Get Up Kids - Action & Action : Something To Write Home About (1999)
i haven’t been here because life has been a bit hectic. i did a lot of driving and perspective getting over the christmas and new years week, found a few ounces of love in my heart, and exploited them. i am quite happy about that right now.
as of yesterday i moved from phase 1 to phase 2, which...
December 2011
13 posts
Day 54: driving, my anti-drug.
music : the hold steady - ask her for adderall : Boys and Girls in America (2006)
i felt caged and domesticated, so i decided to rebel last night. i had to do something illegal or i was going to flip out. i couldn’t do drugs, and never thought of it … so i left the county. i got in my car, pointed her north, and kept on going.
it was the most liberating thing i have done in...
Day 53: the real update.
rehab has been weird. the first phase meets three days a week for an hour, and where there should be positive reinforcement, order, and education instead is chaos, confusion, and a short dense jamaican man who is more ranch handler than councelor. each hour is spent with him calling out members of the group, who are constantly rotating, for not doing one of the many parts that add up to moving...
6 tags
Day 53: rejuvenation
music : converge - axe to fall : axe to fall (2010)
the largest upside to the stinging feeling of rejection for me is the immediate spike in spirit and poise on wanting to get back into the swing of things. a catalyst to turn up the heat and bring the water to boil faster. a spark in self-betterment after taking a look inside to see what it is within that is wrong, or that i have done...
Day 46: Grant me the Serenity
one of these days i am going to sit down and have the inspiration to do a more fluid update. i feel like i have to much to say but no real way to type them out right now. i had my first NA meeting tonight, it was wholly weird, but they gave me keychains to mark my first visit and my first 30 sober days, so that’s fun.
sorry, this will get more interesting soon. for now i am taking life one...
Day 43: orientation and day 1
music : this is hell - permanence : sundowning (2006)
tuesday was orientation and wednesday i met my probation officer for the first time. both were uneventful and a bit daunting. today was my first day of actual counselling, and truthfully the group i am in is 30 abrasive individuals who all seemed to have been convicted of much harsher drug offenses. i had to go up to the front of the...
6 tags
Day 41: and we are off
music : ramesses - iron crow : take the curse (2010)
i have spent the last 5 days in utter nirvana. stepping away from my hot, sweaty prison and basking in the wintery air has left a positive twist on my attitude. the question is how long will it last, and the truth is i have no idea. i step onto the plane at 3:45pm today and arrive back home at 7pm. in 24 hours from right now i will be...
Day 35: au revoir
music : alice in chains - rooster : dirt (1992)
i am going to be gone a few days. a much needed sabbatical. i fly out tomorrow early morning and get back monday mid-evening, only to start my drug rehab a mere 12 hours later on tuesday. i may update, but most likely not. fret not, i will stay on track and arrive back here 41 days sober.
5 tags
Day 34: preparation for separation
music : baroness - aleph : the red album (2007)
tomorrow are my last two final exams of university, the day after i hop on a metal cylinder that somehow propels itself through the sky, smiting “god” with every thrust forward, and spend 5 days away from this hot, sticky, hellish state before being stuck in it for a long while.
i am looking, really really hard, into a few...
6 tags
Day 33: Queer, adjective.
music : ONSIND - Heterosexuality is a Construct : Dissatisfaction (2010)
Queer: adj. queer-er, queer-est; 1: Deviating from the expected or normal; strange: 2: Odd or unconventional; usage note: A reclaimed word is a word that was formerly used solely as a slur but that has been semantically overturned by members of the maligned group, who use it as a term of defiant pride. Queer is...
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Day 32: the truth is that
music : the two funerals - grey skies : tell yr story (2008)
i am alive. don’t expect more and i won’t let you down.
day 31: if heaven is hypothetical
music : narrows - the fourragere - new distances (2009)
and just like that, the light turned to dark again. one off handed comment from my mother turned a bright, sunny outlook on the world into a dark, dreary land of excess intake and self deprecating thought. my moods have been shifting on the drop of a hat, or more specifically, the expression of a word.
again, i am working on righting...
5 tags
Day 30: hit the ground running
music : the two funerals - hit the ground : …Invade Poland (2007)
this morning i woke up and the air was crisp and cool, an unusual happening this far south, even in the first light of December. i felt renewed and joyful. i took my much neglected bicycle and rode it five miles to the gym, and then five miles home after an invigorating hour of elliptical. i ran errands, worked on...
4 tags
Day 29: i was a skeptic at first, but these...
music : the Hold Steady - Lord, I’m Discouraged : Stay Positive (2008)
i’d write a harrowing tale of how today’s court room encounter went, but truthfully i am entirely too tired to make a long winded rendition. after a lot of arguing and pleading, i was able to stray clear of a prison term and adjudication. the judge, for some reason ignoring the prosecution’s...
November 2011
31 posts
4 tags
Day 28: straighten your tie, young man, tomorrow...
music : kidcrash - hypothetical basking shark : jokes (2007)
my shirt and tie are pressed and set out on my counter. my shoes are unblemished and the black dress pants are spotless. i will wake up tomorrow at 6:30am, work out as hard as any human possibly can for an hour, shower, and be out of the door by 8am. barring any unforeseen delays (again) tomorrow decides whether i finally am...
day 27: eating habits
music : the Streets - everything is borrowed : everything is borrowed (2008)
i have always had issues with food. my stomach is bottomless and my mind is consistently in the understanding that i can fit more down my throat. this leads to extreme binges on horrific food. like most terrible depressive eating, it feels wonderful until the last bite. then it settles in my stomach and the...
day 26: b i n g e
music : silence.
i will post a more cohesive update tomorrow, but this past week has been defined by a word that has haunted me for a long while. everytime i think i get past it, it sneaks up behind me. this week has been one long, disgusting binge. i am not proud or happy about it, but it happened, and i need to move past it. stress will do that to you.
until tomorrow.
day 25: maintenance day
music : i adapt - six feet under (but it’s worth it) : why not make today legendary (2002)
…
Day 24: Dark Days
music : the promise ring - a jersey shore : very emergency! (1999)
i am going to wake up happy, focused, and refreshed tomorrow. doesn’t change that i am going to eat far beyond my limits tonight.
5 tags
Day 23: thankful and contemplative.
music : apologies, i have none - sat in vicky park : 7” (2010)
what am i thankful for? that i have the ability to respect the true nature of this “holiday.”
i feel like the post script to this picture is that just off screen, a bunch of pilgrims have a bunch of weaponry they use to just completely demolish the natives who are on the other side of...
4 tags
Day 22: i refuse to not be myself
music : dead moon - dead moon night : unknown passage (1989)
she flipped out on me last night because i won’t talk to her about how i feel. i think she is just more upset that i took after my father in his inability / reluctance to open up emotionally to her, as opposed to taking after her and her constant need to express how she feels. don’t get me wrong, i express myself...
Day 21: now you're gambling with borrowed money
music : look mexico - where were you, vince? - real american spear it (2011)
i have nothing to say, much like i have nothing to do other than wait til a judge decides my fate. all i can do is overeat, purge, and eagerly await the next time i can see a hockey game. life has a funny way of being redundant and depressing when you most need it not to be. ahh well. i am trying to push myself...
Day 20: fell asleep at ten, woke up at three, fell...
music : the theme to battlestar galactica : the 2004 series
when i die, please leave my body to science … fiction.
6 tags
Day 19: this is not a cry for help, it is a cry...
music : end of a year self defense family - composite character : you are beneath me (2010)
the truth is that sometimes i feel like i don’t want to be alive. im sure everyone feels that way at some point. i’ll never kill myself, that is a fact i have known since i was 13 and failed miserably to slit my wrists with a butter knife. all it ended up doing was leaving a really...
6 tags
Day 18: dementia, not the cool kind.
music : timeshares - too many ELO days : bearable (2011)
my grandfather and i have always been incredibly close, which is why seeing him today was so hard. my grandparents are snowbirds, spending the warm months up north before flocking south when the thermostat dips below 16 Celsius. they arrived wednesday and showed up today to take my mother (who ended up coming home yesterday...
6 tags
Day 17: when this party is ending, i'll be taking...
music : the promise ring - red and blue jeans : nothing feels good (1996)
i read earlier that there is a chance the Promise Ring may be getting back together and do a tour. if this turns out to be fact, i could easily forget everything going on and be completely okay with the world. seriously. one of two bands i would do anything to see live that broke up before my time.
5 tags
Day 16: across the pond
music : dark castle - seeing through time : surrender to all life beyond form (2011)
i spent a good portion of today speaking with one of my most trusted confidants who lives an ocean away. i am constantly marveled at how the internet has grown… three years ago i was so content to receive an e-mail from my european brethren, nowadays i can use skype to actually see and talk to...
6 tags
Day 15: nothing good. nothing good.
music : the mountain goats - song for dennis brown : the sunset tree (2005)
the court room was entirely too modern. fresh new marble, computer screens on each desk, little black recording devices strategically placed to track your every word and move, rendering the stenographer obsolete … but a stenographer was still present. the prosecutor looked a little too much like edward...
5 tags
Day 14: smoking candy cigarettes
music : the hold steady - stay positive : stay positive (2009)
today is two weeks since i went sober, tomorrow is my first of seemingly many days of reckoning. i dropped my mother off at the airport early this morning and have the house to myself for the next 6 days. it is nice to be able to breathe without anyone else hearing it. i smiled earlier and meant it. a positive sign if there...
4 tags
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Day 13: they made a movie about me and you, it was...
music : the absence - riders of the plague : riders of the plague (2007)
its like when you’re baking and your item is nearing being done. the sweet smell is permeating the air and you can’t help but sneak a glance. you flip a switch so the light inside the oven comes on but that tiny window truly doesn’t give the visual gratification you’re looking for. it is too...
5 tags
Day 12: hello, old "friend"
music : waxahatchee - grass stain : american weekend (2012)
wednesday is my court date. on that day my life will be headed in one of three directions. the first direction involves the previously mentioned Drug Court, and at this point is probably the best case scenario. the second direction involves going through the regular court system hoping for a plea agreement, which would include...
5 tags
Day 11: contemporaries and dress slacks
music : black sabbath - sweet leaf : master of reality (1971)
i have always had trouble with music that is not contemporary. i never cared to listen to pink floyd or led zeppelin. i always was annoyed by the beatles. even when it comes to alternative music, i would way rather listen to the bands that were directly inspired by black flag, minor threat, and the stooges than actually...
Day 10: these days seem so short, these nights...
music : your neighbour, the liar - window : it seems we’re made to suffer; it is our lot in life (2011)
there are a few real life friends and family who know what i am going through, who i am, and what i am doing. an overwhelming majority of them keep rephrasing the same question to me about this “experiment,” if you will.
hey, so you’re going to start smoking...
5 tags
Day 9: just a thought.
music : the two funerals - this basement : boys club (2011)
UNPOPULAR OPINION: i don’t find the AMC series Mad Men to be “sexy,” or good at all. i find it to be overtly sexist and it makes me really, really uncomfortable. i don’t care that it is a “period piece” or that it is supposed to be accurate of the moods and social mores of the 1960s, it is...
4 tags
Day 8: falling backwards, springing forwards.
music : systems - procession : ghost medicine (2011)
sometimes i wish i felt comfortable taking the easy route. stayed in university for all 4 years the first time, got a comfortable teaching position helping kids learn history from a neutral perspective in a well off neighborhood, with a well off partner and well off kids… it all sounds so very good on paper. middle class, middle...
4 tags
Day 6: last night i felt panic
music : chelsea wolfe - cousins of the anti-christ : the grime & the glow (2010)
last night i raged, and not in the extend your pinky and thumb and shake your hand vigorously like a surfer dude hangin’ loose way, in the i think i am going fucking insane way. my first truly nerve wracking experience since going sober.
i drove about an hour to go to a concert, with every mile i...
3 tags
Day 5: the "helper" and the "friend."
music: russian circles - atackla : empros (2011)
if you have a person whose shoulder you frequently lean on, and whose ear you regularly fill with problems, make sure you appreciate them.
for lack of a better name i will call the listeners the “helper,” and will refer to the person with problems as the “friend.”
it is all too often that those who are the best at...
5 tags
Day 4: where i proceed to make jillian michaels...
music: russian circles - 309 : empros (2011)
fourteen months ago i weighed 310lbs. i’d been overweight most of my life, but i was lucky for all of my weight was in my belly, i had a generally thin face and the bulk of my weight was easily hidden. it was a really terrifying portion of my life, being so insanely obese. a good portion of the weight was gained when anabolic steroids were...
5 tags
Day 3: Hypothetically, I should be okay....
music: Cannibal Ox - Stress Rap : the Cold Vein (2001)
holy shit i am tweaking the fuck out. my heart is running the kentucky derby and as i type this my leg is involuntarily motioning up and down on it’s ball at a pace faster than i have known it to ever move. this is the opposite of fun. the antithesis of good. the epitome of shitty. but not matter how bad this is getting i know it...
5 tags
Day 2: consent, and why it is so fucking important
music: battlefields : entourage of the archaic : entourage of the archaic (2007) we’ve been kissing for weeks. soft, intrepid, nervous lips touching. at first they just grazed, but as time has progressed they’ve come to know one another more intimately. it wasn’t until last night, straddled and in the moment that my hands started to move lower than they ever had. i am a...
5 tags
Day 1: 15 hours full of hopeful regret
music: at the drive-in - rolodex propaganda : relationship command (2000) i tried to make a movie moment out of the last cigarette in my pack last night. i blew O-rings, let it bellow out of my nostrils like an angry bull in cold weather, and smoked it til only the filter and a few embers remained. i stubbed it out and threw it into the trash and let out a great sigh, the finality of it...
4 tags
Day 0: My Sober Year
in October i got arrested for possession of marijuana and paraphernalia, the former being a felony and the latter a misdemeanor. now this is my first offense… i haven’t even had a traffic infraction in 5 years. now i could get into a huge rant about the ethics of pot laws, but the fact remains that in Florida, pot is illegal. I got caught with it, and now I pay the price. I have been...