music: at the drive-in - rolodex propaganda : relationship command (2000)

i tried to make a movie moment out of the last cigarette in my pack last night. i blew O-rings, let it bellow out of my nostrils like an angry bull in cold weather, and smoked it til only the filter and a few embers remained. i stubbed it out and threw it into the trash and let out a great sigh, the finality of it setting in happily. “fuck yeah,” i thought, “i don’t need this shit!” i went up to my room, stripped down to my boxers and lay in bed dreaming of healthy lungs and the excitement of starting a new stage in my life. optimism was holding sway.

and then i woke up.

quitting smoking is said to be harder than quitting heroin. nicotine is a powerful, powerful addictive substance and it has had a firm grasp on me for ten years. i started as a way of getting back at my mother, who has been a lifelong smoker. i was an asthmatic growing up and had serious respiratory problems that were never helped by the second hand smoke. i thought in my adolescent idealism (i was 14) that i could start smoking and deter her from continuing… instead i just became addicted, luckily having facial hair in my early years meant i could squeak by with getting packs at the sketchy convenience marts. as i grew old enough to drive it became commonplace to light up the second the engine roared, a custom i would continue up until today.

naturally i pick the day that i have a two hour round-trip drive to a doctors appointment to stop. i woke up feeling alright, worked out, took a shower, then hopped in the car for the hour drive down to miami. as soon as i closed the door started sweating and felt a bit queezy. i got out, walked inside, and grabbed a fist full of straws that i promptly cut in half to the size of a cigarette and tossed into a plastic bag. i spent the drive down chewing plastic and cursing every driver who dared switch lanes without a signal, or got remotely close to me. i raged at everyone in the parking structure, and copped an attitude with the receptionist because i felt she was looking at my tattoo’s weirdly. it wasn’t until i sat down in the waiting area that i realized i was being incredibly irrational. i splashed some water on my face and continued with the day.

the drive back and subsequent errands today have been much calmer, though i seem to be constantly covered in a small film of sweat, with a raised resting heart rate and an astute irritability. i truly feel sorry for the very small amount of people i will see in the next few days, i can’t imagine i will be very polite.

today is the first day of my sober life. it is weird to think about, but i definitely smile regardless of the physical ailments caused by abstaining. keeping positive is about the only thing that has gotten me through the last year and a half of living where i do, and continuing to be positive will get me through this. i know i am doing something very healthy and constructive for my body and mind. 

a little post script; i saw that some people have started following this, if you have any experiences with quitting and maintaining abstinence from drugs, i’d love to hear about it.