music: battlefields : entourage of the archaic : entourage of the archaic (2007)

we’ve been kissing for weeks. soft, intrepid, nervous lips touching. at first they just grazed, but as time has progressed they’ve come to know one another more intimately. it wasn’t until last night, straddled and in the moment that my hands started to move lower than they ever had. i am a nervous wreck when it comes to this stuff. my hands moved so tentatively, yet still shook a bit … i am not sure whether that was my nerves or the lack of nicotine in my system.i stopped before i went to take their clothes off and looked them directly in the eye and said, “is this all okay with you?”

more than anything i have learned in my life, consent is the most important. i have been given dirty looks before from partners who tell me i am “killing the mood” or “don’t know how to read their body language” because i take the four seconds to verbally secure that, yes, they do want me to touch them in private places. i am unapologetic for doing so .. in every single instance i would rather them be turned off than to have done something they didn’t want me to, or even worse … done something to trigger a really negative feeling that i don’t know about because they become passive and default to letting whatever happens happen.

i have been there, i know what it is like to just fuck because it is easier than facing the fears of saying no.. to feel the depression and rejection boil up inside because if you don’t let them touch you, you will be judged. you KNOW you will be judged, deep inside there is no stopping the feeling that if you deny their touching your breast, or stroking your cock, or any sexual desire they may be acting out that they will think less of you, tell you its okay privately but turn their back and laud you for your prude ways. they do not know, and it is so important that we as rational, strong individuals stand up for ourselves and are able to say “hey, im not cool with this right now, it doesn’t mean i don’t like you or am into you, it just means i am not ready right now. please don’t take it personally.” 

that is really easy to type, it is a lot harder in practice, when you are in the moment and everything is spinning. its just important to keep strong, positive, and remember that you are a beautiful individual and all you have to do is open your mouth and the words will spill out. i believe in you.

and for those of you without a sexual history that has left you in some way scarred, think of it this way. what is sexier than asking someone if you can touch them, and having them look you back in the eye and tell you “yes. yes, infact, i would love it if you put your ____ there.” that is pure equality, and a showing of respect that can only turn you on more. 

they looked back at me last night and after a deep inhale, their smile turned into a grin as they gave me a very sturdy nod, letting me know they also wanted me to touch them. my hips bucked, my lips pursed, and i moved downward. it was a really good night.