music : lucero - slow dancing : tennessee (2002)

i keep going down to the office-room that was built into my garage before we moved into this house over a decade ago. i plug in my pedal board, which i spent painstaking hours working on, acquiring the right pieces to get the exact sound i wanted. i roll my quite large speaker cabinet and quite powerful amplifier into the centre of the room and plug it in, the familiar crackle bringin a slight smile and a nod of recognition. i’ve always wanted an amplifier that could handle the loud, heavy music i’ve wanted to play. i grab my guitar, a reissued 1972 fender telecaster with an f-hole and two sparkling humbucker pickups in its body to give a thick, warm tone to the classic telecaster sound. all of the parts connect, all the powers turned on, and i play…

and after about five minutes, i realize i am not at all connected to the instrument i had considered a surrogate appendage for so long. in the last year i have grown so distant from the six strings that helped me express so many emotions, it feels foreign in my grasp, and i feel in-genuine when i try to put my thoughts into chords, or add lyrics to riffs long-since written. i spent a little of my time before my arrest working with a friend on songs, but they stopped being involved in my life and i stopped trying to get them to be. since sobriety my interest in the creation of my own music has become a distant memory, though it wouldn’t be prudent to use sobriety as a scapegoat, as the seeds of discontent were planted long before.

i return the guitar to its corner, the pedal board to its section of the room, and the amplifier/speaker so it is out of the way. chords unplugged, power off, and left to collect dust until my next try. funny how when you get everything you could ever want, you don’t want it anymore. the problems of being human. 

music : balance and composure - kaleidoscope : split w/ tigers jaw (2010)

i think the hardest feeling of this process is being caged within the borders of a place i have hated since childhood. legally i cannot leave the tri-county area without the permission of not only my counselor, but my probation officer AND a judge. i have spent the last 4 years traveling at will, hopping into my car at the drop of a hat and costing down america’s intricate highway system, being more at home filling up my gas tank than filling my stomach from my fridge. more comfortable with my thumb and forefinger wrapped around the bottom of my steering wheel, full records playing start to finish as the night air converges around me than lying in my own bed. 

i feel like me when i am free.

—

i started attending overeaters anonymous, which is a lot like narcotics anonymous except, obviously, for compulsive eaters. the largest side effect of me going sober has been replacing those escapes with ones i thought i had done a good job of ridding myself of, namely humongous portions of horrendous food. i used to weight 330lbs, i got down to 180lbs and in the last 7 weeks have gotten back up to around 200lbs. that is unacceptable. i have a very hard time controlling how much i eat, and when i have decided to give in and binge, there is no stopping me. cartons of ice cream, double digit amounts of burritos, and all regurgitated back up to make room for more. i cannot physically stop.

i wonder if i should consider myself sober if i am addicted to food?

my first OA meeting had me going to a Presbyterian church, and the room was populated with about 20 people, none of whom were under the age of 30, and most of whom were over the age of 60. i felt a bit odd, but when everyone started talking i just felt like i was in a place where i knew these familiar struggles. i got the introductory information packet, and the reassurance from everyone that while 12-step programs are inherently religious, this one had the least emphasis on “god” of all of them, that made me feel better. i am going to try to go to a few a week, and i am hoping it keeps me motivated to stay at the gym, and to eat healthy portions of food. 

i want to get to 160lbs, and then get toned, so i can get my ribs tattoo’d… is that so much to ask?

music : the Get Up Kids - Action & Action : Something To Write Home About (1999)

i haven’t been here because life has been a bit hectic. i did a lot of driving and perspective getting over the christmas and new years week, found a few ounces of love in my heart, and exploited them. i am quite happy about that right now.

as of yesterday i moved from phase 1 to phase 2, which means less meetings, no more narcotics anonymous meetings, and the beginning of actual counseling as opposed to sitting in a rowdy group of people who just want to cause problems. it was like being in the internal-suspension class in high school, where they couldn’t trust the kids to stay at home so they forced them to sit in a room with an unsuspecting temp who felt their full wrath. friday is my last time in that room, and also the day when i find out my new schedule.

my panic attacks have lessened, i do not crave nicotine at all anymore, caffeine is a distant memory, and i have been in situations near marijuana and been quite okay not smoking it. i am starting to find some semblance of self in this whole mess of emotion and sobriety. i got a job tending a hockey bar, which has been fun and really pushed my mental abilities as far as multitasking is concerned. i really love it, and the tips don’t hurt! 

i will try to update more regularly now that things have calmed down, but tonight a dear, dear friend comes into town for three days so i am going to be a bit occupied, but in a good way, i promise.

thanks everyone.

music : converge - axe to fall : axe to fall (2010)

the largest upside to the stinging feeling of rejection for me is the immediate spike in spirit and poise on wanting to get back into the swing of things. a catalyst to turn up the heat and bring the water to boil faster. a spark in self-betterment after taking a look inside to see what it is within that is wrong, or that i have done wrong, and what more can i do to work on it. that happens before the bitterness and resentment, and all those two emotions do is fuel the machine that is already fast in motion to make things more positive.

thank you holidays. i don’t celebrate a single one of you, nor care about your existence, but it is that same existence that led to the events of me writing here and now, so cheers to you.

i will be back later with more of a concrete update on the last few weird weeks, but for now there is so much to be done.

music : sleater-kinney - jumpers : the woods (2005)

music : ONSIND - Heterosexuality is a Construct : Dissatisfaction (2010)

Queer: adj. queer-er, queer-est; 1: Deviating from the expected or normal; strange: 2: Odd or unconventional; usage note: A reclaimed word is a word that was formerly used solely as a slur but that has been semantically overturned by members of the maligned group, who use it as a term of defiant pride. Queer is an example of a word undergoing this process. For decades queer was used solely as a derogatory adjective for gays and lesbians, but in the 1980s the term began to be used by gay and lesbian activists as a term of self-identification. Eventually, it came to be used as an umbrella term that included gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people.

i am queer. i deviate from the norm, i am odd AND unconventional, regardless of my sexual/gender orientation (which could definitely be construed as queer regardless.) i am proud of the fact that i am queer, and i am proud for everyone who is, or is an ally for, queer identifying people.

music : the two funerals - grey skies : tell yr story (2008)

i am alive. don’t expect more and i won’t let you down.

music : the two funerals - hit the ground : …Invade Poland (2007)

this morning i woke up and the air was crisp and cool, an unusual happening this far south, even in the first light of December. i felt renewed and joyful. i took my much neglected bicycle and rode it five miles to the gym, and then five miles home after an invigorating hour of elliptical. i ran errands, worked on planning some upcoming events, and tonight i will do some sewing before sitting down to watch a late starting hockey game. i feel more like myself than i have in a long time … longer than i have been sober, that is for certain.

i am not sure if it is a new page turning over, or if it is the proverbial calm before the storm. i have 13 days of freedom before becoming trapped in rehab-life. maybe this is my body and mind’s way of telling me, “hey… have some fun, it won’t last, so make it work.” if it is true, then god damn right i am going to make it work! if it lasts, even better!

what i do know is that i feel free, fantastic, and beautiful. i hope everyone feels this weightless someday.

music : the Hold Steady - Lord, I’m Discouraged : Stay Positive (2008)

i’d write a harrowing tale of how today’s court room encounter went, but truthfully i am entirely too tired to make a long winded rendition. after a lot of arguing and pleading, i was able to stray clear of a prison term and adjudication. the judge, for some reason ignoring the prosecution’s staunch reinforcement that i was a horrible, vile person who would sully the good reputation of the program, begrudgingly let me in after making it well known that she did not want to. for good measure, 200hrs of community service were tacked onto the program.

i am relieved yet terrified. in the long run, this is a great thing. i won’t have the felony arrest and conviction on my public record, and subsequently will not face deportation as a result (i am not an american citizen.) in the short run, i am nervous and a bit scared of the rehab program. it is intensive and intrusive … i am ostensibly spending an entire year of my life to dedicate to a program where i will be surrounded by those caught for serious, heavy narcotics. i will post more about the specific program when i go to my orientation, which is set for the 13 December. from what i know now, it includes 4 days of group drug counseling, 2 days of fellowship meetings (narcotics anonymous,) 2 days of acupuncture,  and at least 1 day with a probation officer a week. 

i have worked so hard to get to a place where i am mentally healthy over the last year, i hope this doesn’t unravel that. but i have two weeks to get in a place where i can move forward with the process. this includes a 5 day out-of-state trip i have been waiting for for a long time now. i know it will give me clarity and help me recharge my metaphorical batteries, as the day after i get back is the day i start drug court.

cheers!

music : kidcrash - hypothetical basking shark : jokes (2007)

my shirt and tie are pressed and set out on my counter. my shoes are unblemished and the black dress pants are spotless. i will wake up tomorrow at 6:30am, work out as hard as any human possibly can for an hour, shower, and be out of the door by 8am. barring any unforeseen delays (again) tomorrow decides whether i finally am entered into drug court, or if the prosecutors successfully paint me a menace to society and convince the judge to throw me out and up my charges. i am hoping for the former, and i am doing my best to will it to happen. 

the last week has been my own personal hell. filled with binge eating, depression, and overall negativity i am not generally known for. that is all changing. i feel focused, driven, and ready to face the consequences for my actions, regardless of the debate-ability of how wrong my actions were. i only hope these consequences don’t include truly obscuring my future in a way that my life will never be the same. 

think posi thoughts friends, i know i will. and i am not sure if i have said this, but thank you for listening. you may not know me, but you know my emotions and thoughts, and your silent acceptance of my whining and candid comments means the world to me. those of you who have contacted me, i am touched by your words and am constantly driven to do better and stay the course, in part because i know you are here. truthfully, i am a solitary person by nature, but this semi-anonymity has provided me with a sense of closeness and connection i don’t often get. so cheers to you. 

i have been sober for 4 weeks.

music : dead moon - dead moon night : unknown passage (1989)

she flipped out on me last night because i won’t talk to her about how i feel. i think she is just more upset that i took after my father in his inability / reluctance to open up emotionally to her, as opposed to taking after her and her constant need to express how she feels. don’t get me wrong, i express myself quite well … i just don’t feel the need to verbalize my inner most problems. it doesn’t help, generally it just makes me feel negative and vulnerable in a bad way. sometimes i will talk to my friends about my problems, but generally i’d rather just hear what they have to say about themselves. listening to them is a much happier distraction.

i am thankful that in my time of need i am able to live at my mother’s residence, and have her here. but all i want, ALL I WANT, is some silence. i prefer thinking to talking, and just want some quiet. i can’t think and figure myself out if i have to constantly talk about what is wrong with me. i just don’t work like that.

she flipped out on me last night because i prefer to be myself when i am at home, and not put on a facade of happiness. if i can’t be myself in my own bedroom, where can i be?

music : end of a year self defense family - composite character : you are beneath me (2010)

the truth is that sometimes i feel like i don’t want to be alive. im sure everyone feels that way at some point. i’ll never kill myself, that is a fact i have known since i was 13 and failed miserably to slit my wrists with a butter knife. all it ended up doing was leaving a really weird red mark and made me terrified of knives until my late teens. 

i guess i just view death as peace filled and quiet, something i long for everyday, true peace and quiet. but then my text message alarm goes off, or i get bombarded with questions by a family member or acquaintance, or i have to humor some sort of social interaction i would rather just skip. all i want is peace and quiet, all i get are distractions and head aches. ring tones and high pitched squeals. horns and curse words.

i will never kill myself. i love being alive. i just want everything to shut the fuck up. is that too much to ask?

—

my anxiety is starting to peak. i am getting stressed over nothing, and the rituals i have staved off for years have started to seem more and more like a way out of these feelings. i’m not paranoid but i am very skittish. i feel my hands shake every time i come in close range to a group of people larger than one or two. the only time i feel comfortable in a crowd is attending hockey games, mostly because i can solely focus on the little pawns on the ice and ignore the people around me. the fact that no one supports my team also helps.

anyone who says marijuana is not a legitimate form of medicine needs to fuck right off.

music : timeshares - too many ELO days : bearable (2011)

my grandfather and i have always been incredibly close, which is why seeing him today was so hard. my grandparents are snowbirds, spending the warm months up north before flocking south when the thermostat dips below 16 Celsius. they arrived wednesday and showed up today to take my mother (who ended up coming home yesterday instead of tomorrow, to my despair)  and i to lunch.

seven months ago my grandfather was sharp for 80 years old, constantly reading into israeli past and present, knowledgeable on a multitude of political topics, my mother and her mother would always go shop for the last twenty minutes of lunch to give us time to debate in piece. it was spirited, lively conversation that generally ended with us agreeing to disagree because of a generational gap, or fundamental differences in belief. 

something has changed in the last seven months. he has lost his edge, his eyes are unfocused, he interjects in the middle of others speaking with a completely off topic blurb about some historical fact that takes 5 minutes to explain for no apparent reason. he is forgetting words, places, objects. his usual “acceptable” amount of old age racism has started to peak into the cringe worthy grey area. my grandmother kept pulling me aside and saying how much he was annoying her, when i think she is just in denial of the truth. the truth being that old age is finally catching up with a man who retired in his mid-40s because he struck it rich. four decades of golf, tennis, and card playing has taken its toll on his mind, and it is really unfortunate to watch.

my grandparents have always been so youthful in their old age, it is hard to see that change. i know it isn’t uncommon, and i am incredibly lucky to still have grandparents, but it doesn’t make it less weird to experience. i mentioned to my grandfather as we were leaving that i had a friend who had gone to israel on a trip and had felt a bit vulnerable and negative towards the trip because they were indoctrinating and brainwashing her, and the entire time we were saying goodbye he kept harping on the fact that i wasn’t going to research how israel was founded. he couldn’t say goodbye, just “you won’t research it, but you should. you won’t, but you should. you really should.”

i guess he forgot that i wrote a thesis paper on the foundation of israel that he proof read for me a few years ago.

—

as i mentioned before, my mother got back two days before i had thought she was going to be. i love her, but i really could have used the two extra days to myself. i was just starting to get a sense of feeling confidant, comfortable, and content in my house again before the curve ball of having to drive through rush hour to get her at the airport two days early was thrown. ahh well. she has been much calmer since she has gotten back, which is nice i guess. trying to take the positives out of it! 

music : the promise ring - red and blue jeans : nothing feels good (1996)

i read earlier that there is a chance the Promise Ring may be getting back together and do a tour. if this turns out to be fact, i could easily forget everything going on and be completely okay with the world. seriously. one of two bands i would do anything to see live that broke up before my time. 

music : dark castle - seeing through time : surrender to all life beyond form (2011)

i spent a good portion of today speaking with one of my most trusted confidants who lives an ocean away. i am constantly marveled at how the internet has grown… three years ago i was so content to receive an e-mail from my european brethren, nowadays i can use skype to actually see and talk to them, for free, in real time. i know the technology has been around for a while, but i am a slow mover with this type of stuff. i felt stress melt directly off of my skin every second we spoke, the constant confusion and state of flux i have been in momentarily stepping aside and letting clarity and a spot of genuine happiness take the drivers seat for a while. it was much needed, to say the least. our conversation wove its way from musical projects to my current situation to mutual friends to my current situation to shit talking to etc. etc. etc., nothing felt forced like a lot of conversation has felt lately. when i had to talk about myself i felt comfortable volunteering the information, like their ear was a safe space built just for me to occupy for that moment in time. it was soft and comfortable. i liked that feeling.

today wasn’t bad, there is something wholly exciting about that.