music : the promise ring - red and blue jeans : nothing feels good (1996)

i read earlier that there is a chance the Promise Ring may be getting back together and do a tour. if this turns out to be fact, i could easily forget everything going on and be completely okay with the world. seriously. one of two bands i would do anything to see live that broke up before my time. 

music : dark castle - seeing through time : surrender to all life beyond form (2011)

i spent a good portion of today speaking with one of my most trusted confidants who lives an ocean away. i am constantly marveled at how the internet has grown… three years ago i was so content to receive an e-mail from my european brethren, nowadays i can use skype to actually see and talk to them, for free, in real time. i know the technology has been around for a while, but i am a slow mover with this type of stuff. i felt stress melt directly off of my skin every second we spoke, the constant confusion and state of flux i have been in momentarily stepping aside and letting clarity and a spot of genuine happiness take the drivers seat for a while. it was much needed, to say the least. our conversation wove its way from musical projects to my current situation to mutual friends to my current situation to shit talking to etc. etc. etc., nothing felt forced like a lot of conversation has felt lately. when i had to talk about myself i felt comfortable volunteering the information, like their ear was a safe space built just for me to occupy for that moment in time. it was soft and comfortable. i liked that feeling.

today wasn’t bad, there is something wholly exciting about that.

music : the mountain goats - song for dennis brown : the sunset tree (2005)

the court room was entirely too modern. fresh new marble, computer screens on each desk, little black recording devices strategically placed to track your every word and move, rendering the stenographer obsolete … but a stenographer was still present. the prosecutor looked a little too much like edward james olmos, not from dexter but the elder wlliam a from the fourth season of battlestar galactica-olmos, old and gray with way more wrinkles than he was comfortable with having.

my lawyer and i stood before the judge who offered for me to enter the drug rehabilitation program in lieu of going to regular court, but the prosecutor immediately objected. the state of florida vehemently opposes that i be allowed into this program, as they feel they have enough evidence to support their claims that i am a drug dealer of substantial proportions, and they would like this sent to regular court.

as my lawyer starts to talk, the prosecutor again interjects. his voice was low and stern, his suit black and pressed, and his gaze had a look of contempt and disgust in it. he was very passionate against any sort of positive outcome on my behalf, afterall, in his eyes i am a dirty, disgusting pot head dealer. i wondered if he had ever smoked pot, or if he was the guy whose parents were so starkly against it, and he was so starkly straight laced, that he just viewed it as the devil’s plant. maybe he was militantly straight edge growing up? he looked like he smoked cigars though, so who knows.

the judge rapped her gavel, which also looked too new to be authentic, and said she would like to reset court for another two weeks, in order for the prosecution to decide what they would like to do with the charges, and so the defense can put together their argument against the prosecution. my lawyer and i walk out, he looks defeated as he shakes my hand and sends me towards the elevators.

two more weeks of wondering and waiting. a cigarette would be wonderful right about now. marijuana or tobacco, i don’t care. i won’t do it, but it doesn’t change the fact that it would be nice.

music : black sabbath - sweet leaf : master of reality (1971)

i have always had trouble with music that is not contemporary. i never cared to listen to pink floyd or led zeppelin. i always was annoyed by the beatles. even when it comes to alternative music, i would way rather listen to the bands that were directly inspired by black flag, minor threat, and the stooges than actually listen to black flag, minor threat, or the stooges. don’t get me wrong, i absolutely respect the fact that all of these artists are the reason that the bands i love today make music, but the originals never really caught my ear. these artists somehow always seemed irrelevant to me, even growing up. i would always rather listen to something i could relate to, or go see live, now than something my father could relate to, or saw, in his day. maybe it has something to do with the audio quality surge as of late … everything prior to the 90s just seems thin and flat. 

i’d choose red fang over black sabbath***, the hold steady over bruce springsteen, the shins over the beatles, converge over black flag. i mean no disrespect to fans of this music, its just a personal preference / opinion. 

*** = i decided to acquire master of reality earlier today and so far it is pretty great. here is the exception to the rule. stoner metal is stoner metal, and i am cool with that.

—

i spent today with my father shopping for dress clothing. we aren’t terribly close, in fact there was a long period in my life where we wouldn’t talk as a way to stop fighting. the last few years have been much more civil, and he took great pleasure in busting out his jet black no-limits credit card to outfit me with primo-digs… little did he know that they would be for court. see, my father doesn’t know a lot about my life. mostly the superficial issues. he has no idea that i have suffered from severe mental issues (ones i suspect were swiftly handed down from him, but more on that another day,) let alone that i was arrested for a felony drug possession charge. when everything is said, done, decided, stamped, and finalized i will let him in on this piece of my life. i figure that way, he won’t feel like he has to get involved, and add more stress to his already stress-filled life. im hoping telling him after everything is done and decided will show him i can handle these situations on my own, because im not sure he believes i can handle anything, period. 

life is strange friends, but it is beautiful at the same time. i am completely color blind, but the world seems so much brighter sober, while i was high it seemed more pastel. it hurts my eyes more, but im betting i get used to it.

music: battlefields : entourage of the archaic : entourage of the archaic (2007)

we’ve been kissing for weeks. soft, intrepid, nervous lips touching. at first they just grazed, but as time has progressed they’ve come to know one another more intimately. it wasn’t until last night, straddled and in the moment that my hands started to move lower than they ever had. i am a nervous wreck when it comes to this stuff. my hands moved so tentatively, yet still shook a bit … i am not sure whether that was my nerves or the lack of nicotine in my system.i stopped before i went to take their clothes off and looked them directly in the eye and said, “is this all okay with you?”

more than anything i have learned in my life, consent is the most important. i have been given dirty looks before from partners who tell me i am “killing the mood” or “don’t know how to read their body language” because i take the four seconds to verbally secure that, yes, they do want me to touch them in private places. i am unapologetic for doing so .. in every single instance i would rather them be turned off than to have done something they didn’t want me to, or even worse … done something to trigger a really negative feeling that i don’t know about because they become passive and default to letting whatever happens happen.

i have been there, i know what it is like to just fuck because it is easier than facing the fears of saying no.. to feel the depression and rejection boil up inside because if you don’t let them touch you, you will be judged. you KNOW you will be judged, deep inside there is no stopping the feeling that if you deny their touching your breast, or stroking your cock, or any sexual desire they may be acting out that they will think less of you, tell you its okay privately but turn their back and laud you for your prude ways. they do not know, and it is so important that we as rational, strong individuals stand up for ourselves and are able to say “hey, im not cool with this right now, it doesn’t mean i don’t like you or am into you, it just means i am not ready right now. please don’t take it personally.” 

that is really easy to type, it is a lot harder in practice, when you are in the moment and everything is spinning. its just important to keep strong, positive, and remember that you are a beautiful individual and all you have to do is open your mouth and the words will spill out. i believe in you.

and for those of you without a sexual history that has left you in some way scarred, think of it this way. what is sexier than asking someone if you can touch them, and having them look you back in the eye and tell you “yes. yes, infact, i would love it if you put your ____ there.” that is pure equality, and a showing of respect that can only turn you on more. 

they looked back at me last night and after a deep inhale, their smile turned into a grin as they gave me a very sturdy nod, letting me know they also wanted me to touch them. my hips bucked, my lips pursed, and i moved downward. it was a really good night.

music: at the drive-in - rolodex propaganda : relationship command (2000)

i tried to make a movie moment out of the last cigarette in my pack last night. i blew O-rings, let it bellow out of my nostrils like an angry bull in cold weather, and smoked it til only the filter and a few embers remained. i stubbed it out and threw it into the trash and let out a great sigh, the finality of it setting in happily. “fuck yeah,” i thought, “i don’t need this shit!” i went up to my room, stripped down to my boxers and lay in bed dreaming of healthy lungs and the excitement of starting a new stage in my life. optimism was holding sway.

and then i woke up.

quitting smoking is said to be harder than quitting heroin. nicotine is a powerful, powerful addictive substance and it has had a firm grasp on me for ten years. i started as a way of getting back at my mother, who has been a lifelong smoker. i was an asthmatic growing up and had serious respiratory problems that were never helped by the second hand smoke. i thought in my adolescent idealism (i was 14) that i could start smoking and deter her from continuing… instead i just became addicted, luckily having facial hair in my early years meant i could squeak by with getting packs at the sketchy convenience marts. as i grew old enough to drive it became commonplace to light up the second the engine roared, a custom i would continue up until today.

naturally i pick the day that i have a two hour round-trip drive to a doctors appointment to stop. i woke up feeling alright, worked out, took a shower, then hopped in the car for the hour drive down to miami. as soon as i closed the door started sweating and felt a bit queezy. i got out, walked inside, and grabbed a fist full of straws that i promptly cut in half to the size of a cigarette and tossed into a plastic bag. i spent the drive down chewing plastic and cursing every driver who dared switch lanes without a signal, or got remotely close to me. i raged at everyone in the parking structure, and copped an attitude with the receptionist because i felt she was looking at my tattoo’s weirdly. it wasn’t until i sat down in the waiting area that i realized i was being incredibly irrational. i splashed some water on my face and continued with the day.

the drive back and subsequent errands today have been much calmer, though i seem to be constantly covered in a small film of sweat, with a raised resting heart rate and an astute irritability. i truly feel sorry for the very small amount of people i will see in the next few days, i can’t imagine i will be very polite.

today is the first day of my sober life. it is weird to think about, but i definitely smile regardless of the physical ailments caused by abstaining. keeping positive is about the only thing that has gotten me through the last year and a half of living where i do, and continuing to be positive will get me through this. i know i am doing something very healthy and constructive for my body and mind. 

a little post script; i saw that some people have started following this, if you have any experiences with quitting and maintaining abstinence from drugs, i’d love to hear about it.